It has been such a long time since my last entry. I apologize. I have been struggling with cancer fatigue and have been busy starting a new business to help out the foundation. I also became disheartened and for that I profoundly apologize because I have such a wonderful life filled with love and sometimes laughter.
It has been four years and a week since my diagnosis with Stage 2B breast cancer. It will actually be a few more weeks until the 4th year mark of finding out about the lymph nodes metastasizes.
In December, a very good family friend died from ovarian cancer. She was the sister in law of my best friend and I have known her since I was about 12. She had befriended me these past few years of cancer and I was struck by how far she went out of her way to be around and supportive of me. She was in remission last year and then she was not. Although I believe that we are all connected, I never considered her in my inner circle at all so it was very odd how I found myself crying hysterically after learning about my uterine problems in November. Although, it was and still probably is a reaction to the Tamoxifen, it was hard to hear about uterine and ovarian cancer risk and how if Tamoxifen was going to cause cancer, the damage had already been done even though it was probably nothing…… Nonetheless, in my entire cancer voyage I had never spent most of an entire day crying and feeling sorry for myself. Even as I cried I wondered why I was crying and attributed it to cancer fatigue….the syndrome of super intense, sick to death, of the constant monitoring, the drugs, the talks, the doctors, the blood work, the biopsies….otherwise politely none as cancer fatigue.
It all made sense the next day at noon, when my girlfriend called me to tell me that she had died the day before and that she was now walking into the house to see her brother. So indeed I had not really been feeling sorry for myself at all but mourning the death of my friend. My girlfriends kept telling me that she was dying and I kept saying yes, I know but I kept imagining that it was going to be months and months away. I kept imagining that I would have time to say goodbye since I was going to be there only a few days after she died. I sent her comedy videos and protein shakes and flowers and candy. I expected to get a laugh out of her somehow as I know it is the best medicine. And I was surprised when death came quickly even though they kept telling me it would.
I always become sad when someone I know of dies from cancer. Until now, mostly I haven’t really known the people I grieved for but I do now. What a horrible horrible disease and yet I now spend all of my time embraced by the disease as I try to promote the tests which I believe will save people’s lives.
It is a difficult relationship I have with cancer. It shapes and gives meaning to my life. Let us hope it does not do so to my eventual death.